May 28, 2023
Hovis' Friday diary: "Would you like me to write this in braille?"

  • Pricey Diary,

    I forgot how a lot I dislike being exterior 24/7. I expertise this yearly. The thrill of being exterior 24/7 briefly invalidates my reminiscence banks (like some type of start – or so I used to be instructed), which implies I conveniently overlook that dangerous guys have extra dangerous spots than within the darts membership. However give me just a few days for the dizzying considered 24 hours a day garden entry getting outdated and blistering! Just like the traitor grasp, all of them got here again as soon as once more.

    First, and possibly the most important, on the checklist of explanation why creativeness is healthier than actuality, is the truth that being exterior does not essentially imply a 24/7 all-you-can-eat inexperienced. Oh no. As a result of I’ve a mom who thinks it is acceptable to only give me 2 inches of grass each hundred billion hours. I can take a look at the grass 24/7, however do I eat it? Do not be so silly. I feel one constructive factor is that he hasn’t resorted to mouthpieces but. It did for a yr. I’ve by no means been extra recognized with Hannibal Lector in my life, I can let you know. If it weren’t for the truth that the mom’s mind wasn’t feeding a really, very small (and cannibalistic) mouse, then I may have gone from “identification” to “imitation” quicker than in the event you spilled the accompanying chianti.

    Anyway, again to my checklist.

    Second, you overlook that 24/7 is 24/7. Interval. Sadly it does not imply “good so long as it is 24/7” – no, it does imply 24/7 even when it is raining on the facet and a storm is blowing. It is honest to say that, not like some males, I am not a fan of the moist and wild – particularly when describing my mane. I wish to level out that the closest the mothership involves sleeping outside is when she leaves the window of her five-star lodge open, so why would I be topic to moist sleeping preparations? I may have not less than purchased a sleeping bag and a tent.

    Third, after I’m within the barn, I sleep on sawdust and rubber mats, each of that are comfy on my aged joints. In contrast to bullshit, it isn’t my sense of enjoyable to lie down with a thistle on arduous floor as a result of I haven’t got pure padding. Within the morning, I am carried away, and albeit, I am risking a passerby calling Greenpeace to avoid wasting a stranded, stranded turtle. I’ve tried sleeping standing up however it’s a lot tougher than it seems and you may solely fall so many instances and form it like some type of deliberate breakdancing transfer at 4am. I do not assume it is an excessive amount of to ask for a masculine however barely extra mature mattress to placed on.

    Fourth, let’s discuss birds. And no, I am not speaking in regards to the slang for essentially the most subtle of feminine creatures. I imply like actual birds. The kind who considers singing about worms at thirty hours of zero darkness is socially acceptable. If I may get off the bottom quicker, I’d stop the kick tweetie subsequent week. I do know whoever comes early supposedly catches the worm and all that bullshit, however cannot they catch it quietly? Type of like a nun. Nunbirds – it is acquired to be one thing. One thing like a royal decree.

    Anyway, I am going to consider whether or not I ought to develop one thing like PMT because the Barbie Boy is available in each night time, and I am beginning to assume that little ache within the butt is loads smarter than it seems. That would not be arduous – if we went with the seems, then most individuals would common their IQ in single digits…

    Later,

    hovis

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